Missing you

It’s 3am

And I miss you

I’m staring at the ceiling

Wishing I was with you

Just wanna feel your arms wrapped around me tight

As you look me in the eyes

And kiss me goodnight

All I know is

With you is where I wanna be

I’m missing you

And this bed’s too big for just me

Baby why you gotta be so far away

I’m missing you 

And I think about you every day

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Rain

I don’t always hate the rain. When it’s hot and humid and sticky and you’ve been waiting for a storm for days, and it’s a downpour of round, fat raindrops and you go out in a bathing suit and twirl on the grass barefoot as you get soaked instantly, and then in ten minutes the sun comes back and the whole world is refreshed… when that happens I love the rain. 

Today’s rain is not that kind of rain. Today’s rain is cold. Dreary. Incessant. It’s the kind of rain that mists all around you. The kind of rain that doesn’t seem so bad when you step out the door, but a few blocks later it’s found a way to soak into you. And it doesn’t even have the decency to get you soaked and then fall to the ground. Instead it seeps into every part of you, leaving you damp for the entire day. And it doesn’t stop. It’s out there all day long, never providing you with even a five minute break to dash to your car, hoping you make it before the clouds decide to open up again. It doesn’t even fall, just swirls around with the cold wind that accompanies it. 

April showers bring May flowers. I hope some flowers show up soon. The world could use some colour right now. 

Life in Limbo

This year has been an interesting one for. As the school year comes to a close, even though this year I was not a part of it, I find myself looking back and wondering what I’ve accomplished. The short answer, though not one I wanted to come to, is absolutely nothing.

For me, this has been a year of waiting. Waiting for jobs to respond (none did) or opportunities to come along (which they didn’t). I’ve been waiting for life to happen. And I have only just now come to the screeching, while somewhat obvious, realization that life has been happening the whole time. Time is passing. I’m getting older. But opportunities don’t just come along on their own; you have to go find them. 

A  BA in psychology is not enough to help me get what I want out of life. It’s far too broad and hasn’t left me qualified for anything. I can’t figure out what to do with it because there is nothing I CAN do with it. I’ve spent the year thinking about all my options to enrich my degree, and there are just so many. I’ve spent the year thinking about all the opportunities I could have, without actually going for any of them.

It’s hard to decide what you want when you could have anything. First world problem, I know, but a problem for me nevertheless. The important distinction is that I could have anything, but I can’t have everything. So I need to pick something and run with it and never look back at what the other possibilities could have led to.

Next time

Today I leaned that wordpress has a weekly writing challenge. This week’s writing challenge is to write a story in only fifty words. Fifty words is nothing, so I figured I’d give it a shot. I have a tendency to write one word at a time, not thinking about what I’m trying to say, and learning my own point only at the end when a read through the rambles. A fifty word story forces me to consider each and every word, to make them count. Here’s what I came up with.

She stared out at the ocean, listening to the waves. Each time one washed to shore, it whispered to her. “Next time” they sighed. It was a threat, a consolation, a promise. The crashing got louder, until the world fell away and it was all she could hear. “Next time.”

 

Who said life was fair?

Nobody. Nobody on earth could ever tell you life is fair. Everybody knows it isn’t. Yet we are all subject to the same mental fallacy. We want to believe life is fair, even though it isn’t. We want to believe that good things will happen to good people, and that bad things will happen to bad people. What goes around comes around. We want to believe that all our day to day efforts will be worth it.

Life never made us any such guarantee. I’ve certainly witnessed my share of unfairness in life, but it’s always been things the world throws at me. That’s a bit easier to accept. It’s out of my control, all I can do is roll with the punches. But I thought that if something was in my control, if I tried hard and did my best, then I’d get what I wanted. But sometimes your best isn’t good enough. Sometimes you can work towards your goals, try really hard, do everything right and still fail. And failing sucks.

I still want to believe that everything’s worth it though. That everything happens for a reason. I know that it doesn’t make any sense at all, that there is no logic to the universe, but I feel like I have to keep believing it to keep myself sane. I’ve spent the past week wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, giving up. But, as it turns out, that gets old really fast. Life is more fun when you’re happy. So I’m taking my failures and growing from them. Everything happens for a reason. I didn’t get this job so that I could find a better one. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, and I hope that five years from now I can say the same thing. It’s so easy to get bogged down in the day to day, to lose track of the big picture. The trick is to make every day count. Easier said than done, but something to strive for. 

What do you want to be when you grow up?

My answer to this question changed many times over the years, and every time I was so certain. “I want to be a veterinarian” nine year old me would proclaim. Fifteen year old me was convinced I would be an author. Many half finished stories could be found on my desktop computer in high school.

Eighteen year old decided it would be more fun to become a journalist. Shorter stories and all that. I was going to write for a music magazine. I’d get to interview all the famous artists and get VIP tickets to shows so I could write concert reviews. So I applied to get a journalism degree. And promptly dropped out after first year. I was terrible at journalism. I liked adjectives too much and honestly didn’t pay very much attention to what was going on in the world.

Not really knowing what else to do, I changed my major to psychology. It was interesting and really easy. This was great, I decided, now I can graduate and be a therapist. Get paid tons of money to listen to rich people’s problems. I could do that for a living. Until I realized that would take an additional five years of school. I could see my life disappearing, another half decade of unbearable stress writing papers standing between me and my “grownup life.” Every time I changed my mind, I imagined a whole new future for myself, and expectation of how my life would turn out. But I had trouble imaging how I was going to get there, the in-between.

So I graduated with my BA and I didn’t apply for grad school. Now I’m in that in-between. And I still can’t figure out how it’s supposed to go. Of course I haven’t found a job. I’m not qualified for anything. So now here I am, a recent grad working retail, the ultimate stereotype, with no experience and no idea what I want to be “when I grow up.” I finally realized that there’s no finish line to cross into “grownup territory.” Life goes on, day by day, and it’s always changing. You CAN’T plan the in-between. There are always new challenges, new decisions and new experiences. I am more uncertain about the future than I’ve ever been in my life. But I’m also less worried. I take my challenges day by day instead of constantly worrying about the big picture. I’ve learned well enough that plans change. Things happen. Opportunities arise that you could never plan for, and your whole life trajectory can change in a day.

Instead I make smaller goals, plans for tomorrow. or maybe next weekend. Of course it’s important to plan ahead, but I try never to look further than a year in advance. A hell of a lot can change in a year.